Who am I when you're not lookin'?

I am just a girl. A girl with the title of a "grown-up"...a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a nurse, a student, a Christian, a divorcee.

So when did I become this grown up version of myself? Am I really a grown up at all, or am I just in a grown up body? To the outside world, I am all the titles listed above, but to me, I'm nothing as grand as those.

I'm insecure. I'm unworthy. I'm humble. I'm shy. I'm scared.

I'm having a really hard time writing this post...do I really want to reveal this to people I don't even know? But then I think, surely I'm not the only woman who feels the very same way I do...maybe by writing this out, I can help her, or at least encourage her. So here it goes...

I spent my adolescence as the "chubby girl"...courtesy of steroids I was placed on when I was 8 for my rheumatoid arthritis. No one ever came out and said mean things to me, but I always felt that I wasn't as pretty as the skinny girls, not as funny or well spoken, not as good as my skinnier peers (the beginning of my low self esteem). I had 1 best friend when I was little. Her name was Adrian Brite. When we were 8 years old, leukemia stole her from me and the rest of the world. I miss her to this day...and I know I always will. After she died, I can't think of any person that sticks out as a great friend after her because I was too shy to make new friends easily...until I was 12 and met, someone who would one day become the Godmother of my children, Keri Davis Frady. Since that time, God has blessed me and she has been the best friend I could ever hope for. Supportive, caring, comical beyond words, always there when I need her. More of a friend than I deserve. But even as wonderful as she is, she can't cure my life long battle with insecurity.

Enter my "Prince Charming"...or so I thought. I won't go into many details of this dirty un-fairy tale, but just know it did nothing to help my insecurities. If anything, he made them worse. I still struggle with the events of my failed marriage...more so in the past few weeks for some reason. Because we live in such a small town, almost everywhere I go, something reminds me of him. A place he used to work, a special place for the 2 of us, a bar where he met his mistresses. Every room in my home has a memory of him, my school, my car, songs I hear on the radio, movies I see on tv, and of course, my children...I can't escape him, I can't escape his memory, and I can't escape his damages. I know God will heal my heart in time...but I'm struggling while I wait.

I don't feel adequate as a mom, because my house is always a mess, I don't get to spend much time with my kids and when I do, I'm usually multi tasking with home work or struggling to stay awake because I'm so exhausted. I don't feel adequate as a student, mainly because I'm so behind in all my work right now. I don't feel adequate as a nurse, there's always someone better. I don't feel adequate as a daughter, because I should be able to take care of myself and my kids, not have to depend on my parents so much to babysit and drop off/pick up from day care...that's MY job, not theirs. I feel like a burden to them. I don't feel adequate as a Christian or a church member because I can't tithe every week, and I can't volunteer to do things like I'd like to...I just don't have the time or the babysitters.

But I AM adequate...right? God sees me as adequate. Why else would he have died for me? God put me on this earth, not as a mistake, but as someone with a purpose. My insecurities have stolen so much from my life for too long. It's time to let go. I'm making a choice right now to ask God to heal me every day until I can look at myself and know that I am worth it. God WILL heal my brokenness. He's the only one who can. A great education won't do it, a wonderful companion won't do it, not even my best friend can do it. Jesus is the answer.

So now, who am I when you're not looking?

I'm just a girl. A girl who loves her God, a girl who loves her kids, family, and friends, a girl who laughs at her own jokes, over analyzes EVERYTHING, wears her socks inside out, procrastinates way too often, rarely cooks (not because I can't, but because I hate dishes), does the best I can with the little energy I have left over,  sings karaoke daily with my kids, worries about finances and school grades, cries alone in my room so my kids won't see, and still struggles with the heart aches of this world...but, I am a girl who will survive. Because I am a survivor.