Arguing with myself

I know my last post said a lot about forgiving others and not judging...but dang, it's really hard to stick to that. I still 100% believe in living like Jesus did and forgiving 7X70 times (which equals 490 times), but what if someone wrongs you 497 times? Lol...just once more after 7X70? Can we take Jesus literally and ONLY forgive them that many times? Because I have someone in my life who has breached that point...I'm trying my hardest to remain loving and forgiving to this person, but I'm at my breaking point. Can I just tell this person to stay out of my life? Forgive them for this last injustice but then choose to have nothing else to do with them? Isn't it better to distance yourself from someone than to allow them to bring your character down? I don't like the person I am when this person is a part of my life. Granted, some of the happiest moments of my life were with this person, but the most devastating were also due to this person's hands and actions. I have forgiven. I am unable to forget. And I think, I am unable to keep trying. I know Jesus wouldn't and hasn't given up on this person, but I am not as strong as Jesus. I've done the best I can do to show this person God's love and forgiveness only to be walked on...and in those moments, I've shown this person the non-Christian in me. I'm ashamed of that. Is it selfish to want to better myself instead of continuing to try and help better this person? I know love is long suffering...but I'm really discouraged right now. To just get this person out of my life would be such a relief, but I'd feel like I failed God. On the other hand, I know He will forgive me when I fail Him. What should I do? I can give it to God and hope He can use someone else to change this person...because I'm doing Him no good if I continue on this path...forgive me....

What I (think) I know about life...

I became a Christian May 19, 2010. I was baptized July 4, 2010. So, I'm relatively new to this "religion" thing. I don't know much about the old testament, and my knowledge of the new testament is still growing. The things I DO know are this:
1. God is ALWAYS with us
2. He will never leave us or forsake us
3. We have free will
4. As Christians, God will make good out of whatever choices we make with that free will (whether those choices are good OR bad)
5. God will lead us in the right direction
6. Things fall apart all around me when/if I stray from God and His word
7. God doesn't hold grudges
8. We shouldn't hold grudges
9. We shouldn't judge others. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know, and God is the only person they have to answer to.
10. Love your neighbor as yourself and esteem them GREATER than you
11. Forgive others just as God has forgiven us...yes, over and over again to the same offender. This is a hard one for a lot of people. Me included. But God commands not to forgive someone just 7 times if they wrong you, but 7 X 70 TIMES!
12. If someone slaps you, turn the other cheek. If someone asks for your last dollar, give it to them, but give it with a joyful heart because God loves a cheerful giver and they will be rewarded!
13. Don't brag about yourself and seek to impress others. God is the only one we need to worry with impressing
14. I don't know everything...not even a little bit
15. I'm doing the best I can to live my life like Jesus would have, and I have no apologies for that. People may judge me and think I'm wrong, but if in my heart I'm doing what I believe God has called me to do, that's all that matters. He is who I must answer to on judgement day.
16. As long as I am following God's will and instruction, He WILL protect me, just like a shepherd protects his flock from the wolves. A sheep my stray and go his own way and in doing so, may be hurt...sometimes very badly, but that shepherd will heal that sheep...just as God will heal us when we have heartache or stray away, either by our own free will, or by the hand of God allowing those circumstances in our lives.
17. Nothing happens in our lives without first going through God's hands. He is the ultimate author of our lives. He will win in the end, regardless of the choices we make. That's all that matters.
18. God will never give us more than we can handle...I just wish he didn't have so much faith in me!
19. One soul won over for Christ is greater than winning the lottery 100 times. I strive to be an instrument God can use to show His love to the lost world. Whatever circumstances I may have to go through, if I can lead someone to the Lord, all the pain and suffering and heartache will be more than worth it.
20. God CAN change people/circumstances/anything. You truly are a new creation in Christ when you receive the Holy Spirit. So share it with everyone you think needs help or guidance. Instead of judging, share the love.
21. As a new creation in Christ, you WILL still mess up. Being Christian doesn't mean you're perfect. Far from it. But it means you have the love and protection of a Savior who thought you were awesome enough to die for...so He did. Cherish that.

So live your life to the best of your knowledge, always seeking God's face, and not worrying about what this world thinks of your decisions...this world will soon fade away and all in it, but God and His love will remain. No matter what we go through in our lives, as a saved child of God, I know Heaven will be my home, and I KNOW all the struggles of this world will be well worth it...and I hope to stand before my Savior and hear Him say "Welcome home my child. Well done."

WWJD was always just a saying to me...but in the last year it has become a life style. One that I often fail at because of my quick temper and living by my emotions...but I am striving to keep that phrase in the FRONT of my mind each day. Don't judge. Love unconditionally. Forgive every time. Most of those are easier said than done...but with God, all things are possible. Regardless of how you feel about things like the Casey Anthony trial, or OJ Simpson...we have no right to judge or condemn them. Even they deserve forgiveness and non-judgement from us...that's what being a Christian is. Showing the love of Jesus to people who don't deserve it...because, really, none of us do. But we have His love. We have His salvation. We have His forgiveness. Not because we've earned it, but because He loves us. Why? I will never know...but I am so thankful.

Share the love of Christ with EVERYONE. Just like that Casting Crowns song says "Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who should come. We are the body of Christ. If we are the body, why aren't his arms reaching? Why aren't his hands healing? Why aren't his words teaching? If we are the body, why aren't his feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way? Jesus is the way"

Sorry for the rambling, but that's all I've got for today.....

Who am I when you're not lookin'?

I am just a girl. A girl with the title of a "grown-up"...a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a nurse, a student, a Christian, a divorcee.

So when did I become this grown up version of myself? Am I really a grown up at all, or am I just in a grown up body? To the outside world, I am all the titles listed above, but to me, I'm nothing as grand as those.

I'm insecure. I'm unworthy. I'm humble. I'm shy. I'm scared.

I'm having a really hard time writing this post...do I really want to reveal this to people I don't even know? But then I think, surely I'm not the only woman who feels the very same way I do...maybe by writing this out, I can help her, or at least encourage her. So here it goes...

I spent my adolescence as the "chubby girl"...courtesy of steroids I was placed on when I was 8 for my rheumatoid arthritis. No one ever came out and said mean things to me, but I always felt that I wasn't as pretty as the skinny girls, not as funny or well spoken, not as good as my skinnier peers (the beginning of my low self esteem). I had 1 best friend when I was little. Her name was Adrian Brite. When we were 8 years old, leukemia stole her from me and the rest of the world. I miss her to this day...and I know I always will. After she died, I can't think of any person that sticks out as a great friend after her because I was too shy to make new friends easily...until I was 12 and met, someone who would one day become the Godmother of my children, Keri Davis Frady. Since that time, God has blessed me and she has been the best friend I could ever hope for. Supportive, caring, comical beyond words, always there when I need her. More of a friend than I deserve. But even as wonderful as she is, she can't cure my life long battle with insecurity.

Enter my "Prince Charming"...or so I thought. I won't go into many details of this dirty un-fairy tale, but just know it did nothing to help my insecurities. If anything, he made them worse. I still struggle with the events of my failed marriage...more so in the past few weeks for some reason. Because we live in such a small town, almost everywhere I go, something reminds me of him. A place he used to work, a special place for the 2 of us, a bar where he met his mistresses. Every room in my home has a memory of him, my school, my car, songs I hear on the radio, movies I see on tv, and of course, my children...I can't escape him, I can't escape his memory, and I can't escape his damages. I know God will heal my heart in time...but I'm struggling while I wait.

I don't feel adequate as a mom, because my house is always a mess, I don't get to spend much time with my kids and when I do, I'm usually multi tasking with home work or struggling to stay awake because I'm so exhausted. I don't feel adequate as a student, mainly because I'm so behind in all my work right now. I don't feel adequate as a nurse, there's always someone better. I don't feel adequate as a daughter, because I should be able to take care of myself and my kids, not have to depend on my parents so much to babysit and drop off/pick up from day care...that's MY job, not theirs. I feel like a burden to them. I don't feel adequate as a Christian or a church member because I can't tithe every week, and I can't volunteer to do things like I'd like to...I just don't have the time or the babysitters.

But I AM adequate...right? God sees me as adequate. Why else would he have died for me? God put me on this earth, not as a mistake, but as someone with a purpose. My insecurities have stolen so much from my life for too long. It's time to let go. I'm making a choice right now to ask God to heal me every day until I can look at myself and know that I am worth it. God WILL heal my brokenness. He's the only one who can. A great education won't do it, a wonderful companion won't do it, not even my best friend can do it. Jesus is the answer.

So now, who am I when you're not looking?

I'm just a girl. A girl who loves her God, a girl who loves her kids, family, and friends, a girl who laughs at her own jokes, over analyzes EVERYTHING, wears her socks inside out, procrastinates way too often, rarely cooks (not because I can't, but because I hate dishes), does the best I can with the little energy I have left over,  sings karaoke daily with my kids, worries about finances and school grades, cries alone in my room so my kids won't see, and still struggles with the heart aches of this world...but, I am a girl who will survive. Because I am a survivor.

World Vision

Think back to what you had for dinner tonight...did you enjoy it? Was it nice and hot? Was it just the way you like it? Think back to the last time you craved crisp clean water...how long did it take you to access some? A few minutes? What about the last time you were sick? You went to a store and bought some Tylenol or Advil, or in bacterial infections, maybe went and got a prescription from your doctor. How much of all this did you take for granted?

Now...if you have children, think about them and answer the same questions. How heart breaking would it be as a parent if you were unable to provide all these basic necessities for your child? What if just taking a sip of water could put their life in danger? What if they didn't have access or resources for medical care and were killed by something like the flu, that relatively healthy people can easily survive in this country? What if you had to watch your child go to bed hungry every night? What if you had to listen to them cry from the hunger pains? How devastating would that be to you as a parent?

We are incredibly blessed in this country. Yes, a lot of people struggle to provide for their families, my children and I included, but we have access to clean water, warm meals, and medical care (though the latter 2 are sometimes difficult to come by...we CAN get them). Imagine not having the ability to provide ANYTHING for children...just because you're not blessed to live in this country. It's not because you're not a hard worker, or you're lazy, or you're trying to live off of government benefits...because there are NO government benefits in your country. The resources simply aren't there.

But...what if you could help?

There are a LOT of child sponsorship programs floating around...I don't know about all of them, but I do know about WORLD VISION. At a Women of Joy weekend retreat, I was brought to tears by the story of a World Vision sponsor. To see children suffering and dying because of things that are completely preventable is unacceptable. I went to the World Vision booth during a break between speakers and found a picture of a handsome little 10 year old boy named Cristhian. His health status was poor. His eyes begged for a better life in his sad photograph. I knew I had to help this boy. While filling out my paperwork, I came across a picture of a beautiful 12 year old girl named Maimouna...she had the same desperate eyes as Cristhian. I signed up to sponsor her as well. The feeling of satisfaction was overwhelming...but it didn't hold a candle to the first time I received hand-written letters from my sponsor children. They are so thankful for my sponsorship...

I recently got an updated picture of Maimouna...this beautiful but sad little girl who didn't have a hope in her eyes the first time I saw her, is now a young lady with a beautiful smile in her pictures. My small donation of $35/month has provided her with food, clean water, clothes, school supplies, and medical care. I'm still waiting anxiously for an update on Cristhian. I thank God for the opportunity to sponsor these children. There are so many more who need sponsors. Will you consider saving a child's life? $35/month...your cell phone payment is more than that. If you can afford a frivolous expense like that, why can't you give that money to change a life? Most people spend that much in a shopping trip for things we WANT...

Times are tough all around, but the blessing is really your's when you sponsor a child. I hope to one day be able to travel to Colombia and Senegal, West Africa to meet my sponsor children in person...until then, I will continue to treasure each letter I get from them. If you've EVER thought about child sponsorship...do it. Do it now. Children are dying every day....

www.worldvision.org

Perfect Christians Vs. Real Christians

I'm frustrated. Frustrated with the pressure to be "perfect", to never make a mistake, never a wrong choice (even if I know deep down it's wrong), pressure to be either a "perfect" Christian or a Christian the way other people THINK I should be.

NEWS FLASH!!!

There was only ONE perfect Christian and His name was Jesus Christ. He is the only one to live in this world and NEVER sin (Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin").


There's also only ONE way to be a Christian...and there's a handy little blue print called the Bible to show you how.
1. Ask Jesus to come in your life and live in your heart
2. Confess that you're a sinner and you need Him (Romans 3:23 "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.")
3. Turn away from your sins
4. Learn and follow the Ten Commandments (that's the part that starts with "thou shalt not...")
5. Spend time with God every day
6. Strive to be more like Christ everyday (love your enemies, always help when you can, pray without ceasing, don't judge...)
7. Ask for forgiveness when you mess up (because you WILL mess up)

I realize people have different areas of strengths and weaknesses-espeically when it comes to being like Jesus. Some people can find good in anyone, others hold a grudge till death. Some are tempted by sins everyday that others can dismiss without a second thought. Some are amazing prayer warriors, some can bring you to your knees with a song. Just like every person is different, every Christian is different. And don't ya think God planned it to be EXACTLY that way? So we can be there for each other and support each other in our weaknesses, not judge, condemn, or point fingers. We will all answer for our lives one day, God is the only one who can judge us. Until then, I thank Him for prayer and forgiveness. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, none of us will EVER be perfect this side of Heaven. Let's try to remember that when we deal with each other. God's judgement is the only one we have to worry about. Do the best you can with the circumstances God gives you and ask Him to forgive you when you fall short. One of God's greatest promises is 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

We don't have to agree with other's decisions, but as Christians, we have been COMMANDED to support, love, and forgive them anyway...Being Christian doesn't mean you're perfect...it means God forgives you...in all your UNPERFECTNESS. Even if the rest of the world won't. And that God will make good out of whatever bad decisions we make.

Chivalry isn't dead, it's just on life support...

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a girl's heart, is through chivalry...this girl anyway. 

Chivalry: the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight man, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms (dictionary.com). 

For the life of me, I can't figure out why so many people have abandoned this concept. Why are so many people satisfied with short-term relationships based solely on physical attraction and nothing deeper? Do people really think that those kinds of relationships will last when time starts taking it's toll on our physical appearances? Yeah you can get plastic surgery...but eventually you end up looking like Joan Rivers, and who wants that? Not saying that she's not attractive, but you can tell without a doubt that she's made of artificial material...

So my point is, if this so called "love" goes no deeper than the surface, what's left of the relationship when the wrinkles start coming out? Or when the metabolism slows drastically and 30+ lbs are gained? I don't know about you, but I want a love that will stand the test of time. A love that won't care if I don't put makeup on every day and choose to stay in my pajamas for 24 hours straight. A love that understands I'm moody sometimes and I've got a lot on my plate. A love that will support me when I put God and my kids first instead of being selfish and jealous. So where do you find that?

The definition of chivalry is exactly what God intended a man to be for his wife. Someone who cares about her needs, not out of obligation, but out of genuine love. Someone who will take care of her when she's sick, or at least take care of the kids/chores when she's sick so she can rest. Someone who will open doors for her, ask about her day (again, not out of obligation but out of love and caring), and someone who doesn't expect the relationship to progress at 100mph. Someone who respects her enough to wait...and, if the situation called for it, someone who would give his life for her, just as Christ did for the church. Christ didn't die to be called a hero or so He could get His face in the newspaper, He died out of love. Pure love.

There a very few people like that left in the world. Men and Women...I'm not putting all the blame on the men here. Women have become so insecure in themselves that they will do whatever a man says to feel loved by him...often throwing away any morals she may have had...only to end up alone anyway. So why go through the heartache of rushing into things with person after person and suffer way more than you would have to? Just take things slow and fall in love...not in lust. It's worth it. Let's bring Chivalry back to life :)

I want an old fashioned romance, put together by God Himself...until then, you can call me single :)

Things I've learned this year...

Things I've learned this year:

1. I'm dumber than I give myself credit for
2. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for
3. I can NOT pull off leggings...I can barely get them ON (hahahaha!)
4. My kids are the greatest blessing the Lord has ever given me
5. I would be nothing without my parents' help
6. Sometimes it's better to have only 1 parent
7. I'm happy in my singleness
8. I need WAY more sleep than I used to if I want to be a functioning human being the next day
9. I'm a Bible thumper and I'm proud
10. I'm becoming more and more like my mother (though, not necessarily a bad thing, she's pretty awesome...most of the time)
11. I'm becoming increasingly disgusted with the ways of the world, and increasingly grateful for Jesus and all God's promises
12. I have the power to create my own happiness (Happiness 401:) )
13. My dad and I have more in common than I realized
14. I'd be perfectly fine if I never watched network TV again. All I need are cartoons for my kids and Golden Girls DVDs for me
15. God is in control
16. He will make good out of any mistakes I make
17. Prayer is powerful...but I'm ashamed to admit, I don't do it enough.
18. I don't like the pressure of "dating"...I'd rather just be friends with someone with no expectations. If it turns into more, I want it to be God's will, not my own or anyone else's. 
19. Orange is my all time, hands down, most favorite color in the world
20. Hugs from my kids are all I need on a bad day...unless of course, they are the CAUSE of my bad day, in which case, BEDTIME hugs are all I need :) Haha

Let the education continue....